me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset