Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.