We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”