ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?