“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.