Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
those birds must be on payroll
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.