My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes