Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!