DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex