*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..