That took me a moment.
You Might Also Like
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator