I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
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Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Banking tips
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Life is a suicide mission.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.