The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I put the mess in domestic.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
LOL
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.