Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are