Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
what does he know…
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I had to Stop for this
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.