been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Duolingo getting serious.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Monday Lisa
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.