Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
You Might Also Like
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera