[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.