Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
buying dead houseplants to save time
Inside you there are two wolves
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.