If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter