Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I’m having an out of money experience.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?