If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Huge, if true.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice