My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class