Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡