I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”