For cardio I live beyond my means.
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Nice try, poison.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Swedish for common sense.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.