Peppa pig = spicy bacon
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it