<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
You Might Also Like
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker