Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.