Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.