{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”