I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
c’mon!
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.