*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.