Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.