[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one