Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.