Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
This is my favorite one of these!
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe