Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.