I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
There are usually two types of merchants.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld