My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
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I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..