Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best