[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.