Why is everyone getting married at me
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I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
A little too much information.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Not helping