I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
🖤✌🏽
incredible book dedication
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me