I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.