I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.