[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?