I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
channeling her this year
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.