ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
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Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it