I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.